Grief: The griever heals the grieving.

Today we’re going to talk about one of the deep, dark secrets that comes along with losing a loved one. It’s probably something every single one of you here has experienced and it is mind-blowing, really, that it happens. I’m not really sure why it happens, but I think together we’ll get to the root of it this week.

When we lose a loved one that is close to us, we end up supporting, nurturing and counseling everyone else around us. It’s an interesting thing, isn’t it? The griever ends up supporting the grieving.

I think this happens for many reasons. You are now the connection to that loved one lost and everyone who is mourning their life turns to you, naturally, because you are so connected to that person.  They want to heal their hearts too. They want to remember. They want to feel connected. They want to share their love.

But being at the epicenter of this experience can feel very overwhelming. 

We find that we end up spending more energy supporting, placating, and healing everyone else than we do taking care of ourselves. This can lead down a very dangerous path. It has been proven that we feel better when we help others. When we take the focus off ourselves and help someone else, it creates endorphins which helps us to feel better physically and emotionally. But we also must know when to draw the line.

As I am always saying each week, we must take time for ourselves too. We need to make an effort to set healthy boundaries for ourselves so that we can heal. We must pause and recognize just how much love our hearts need in order to heal.  Let’s do this week’s exercise together to create a great visual for ourselves on just how much love our hearts truly need:

Envision holding both of your hands out in front of you, or even better, actually hold your hands out in front of you. In the one hand, picture holding the hearts of many — the great number of people who loved your dear one too. In your other hand, hold just one heart. That one heart is deserving of the whole, entire hand ALL TO ITSELF. That one heart is yours. We must love ourselves, honor ourselves, be kind to ourselves and take care of ourselves with the strength of our whole entire hand in order to heal. Otherwise, we won’t have enough energy to take care of anyone else’s hand you are holding.

Because this scenario of the griever supporting the grieving is not going to go away. Nor should it.

It’s a beautiful thing to hear the stories of our loved ones and to learn about all the ways they touched other people’s lives. It is part of the healing process and one of the best ways to honor our loved ones….by listening to their honoring stories told by others. It shows us that we’re not alone in missing them. That we aren’t the only ones hurting and that our loved ones were special to many other people. It’s comforting and incredibly healing.

And when you look to your other hand and find your own heart. Listen. What is it saying? What would help strengthen you to help balance out your other hand? Self-care, alone time, friend time, maybe closing for repairs and taking inventory of your life? Do what feeds you and nourishes you.

So continue to hold their hands, listen to their stories, wipe their tears and cherish what they have to say, but hold them with only one hand. Your other hand is completely reserved for your heart because without giving your heart a whole hand’s worth of love, you won’t have enough energy, love or strength to take care of all those people you’re holding in the other hand anyway. Sending big hugs to you and your beautiful giving hands this week!

Have you had this experience where you needed to support everyone else around you? Did you end up feeling more healed by it or more exhausted by it? Have you taken time to keep your giving hands balanced by giving back to you? What did you do for you? Please share and help inspire someone else in our community.

Love and Blessings,

Erin