Healing 2 minutes at a time

The Art of the No-Guilt Apology

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With Father’s Day behind us, many of us are reeling from the after effects of that day. Some are basking in the glow of a beautiful day, greatly enjoyed with their Dad, while others are feeling distant, sad or alone.

That Dad bond…it’s a tricky connection. It’s our first love. It’s our first standard of a man. It’s our rule maker and first provider. It could have been a great standard set or the example of what we never want in our life ever again. With all that on the table, the probability for that relationship to get muddy, complicated or damaged as we grow, is very high. The trick is to know that we can grow, that this single relationship will force us to grow, but that we don’t always have to grow apart from our Dads.

Many times, words have been spoken, actions, or no actions, have been taken, and we find ourselves in a dynamic with our Dad that just doesn’t feel the way we want it to feel. But what can we do about it? And why should we do anything about it?

When my Dad was passing away in the hospital, the ICU nurse came and told us each to go into his room, alone, and apologize for anything we needed to apologize for in the relationship and tell him we forgave him for anything he’s done. Only then were we to say, “I love you and it’s OK to go.” Forgiveness had to come first.

After giving those instructions, she added, “He’s dying. He’s moving on. This time is for you. Take this time to heal your own heart.” She knew what I didn’t. She knew how much I could heal my own heart through apology and forgiveness during this once in a lifetime opportunity.
And she was right. It was so cathartic, healing and bonding for both of us as I sat there and cried and apologized for anything I could think of to reconcile “in person.” I also forgave him for the hurt he caused me. I cleared the space between us just from my side. It was such a powerful moment. I will be forever grateful for that nurse’s wisdom and for the greatest gift she could’ve ever given me- understanding the power of apology and forgiveness. I’m certain her nametag read, “Angel.”

That’s the thing about an apology. It heals the giver’s heart first and it doesn’t need to be reciprocated to heal it. The healing love must pass through our heart before it is delivered. Forgiveness is so powerful and if we hold onto angry emotions, we end up hurting our own hearts. If you find yourself still not convinced or ready to apologize for whatever your contribution has been to your situation, (and let’s face it, if we’re honest with ourselves, we know that we’ve contributed in some way), here’s the clincher:

 

An apology doesn’t imply guilt. An apology simply shows you care about the part of their heart that has been hurt.

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You don’t have to own anything. You don’t have to accept blame. You just need to connect to the piece of his heart that is hurt and indicate that it matters to you that it’s hurt. By connecting to this single place in both of your hearts, healing will occur like magic.
And if your Dad has passed away, you can still apologize. I have to say, my relationship with my Dad has improved soo much since he passed away 15 years ago. I continue to talk things out, apologize and heal the many arguments and challenges we created together because I want to heal me. I want to heal my own heart and I don’t want to carry those burdens around with me any longer. He wouldn’t want me to hold onto them either.

So during this healing week post Father’s Day, take a moment to scan your heart and his and begin to clear the path between the two of you. Begin the healing in your own heart through your forgiveness and apology. It can be in person or just in a letter to him that you never send. But begin… you will be amazed at the healing that comes your way through the power of forgiveness. And once the hurt is gone, all that is left is love.

Were you able to connect with your Dad this week? Either real time or just heart to heart? What did you forgive? Share with us so we can heal alongside you too.

Love and Blessings,
Erin

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