We all want to help when our loved ones are grieving but we think we don’t know how, or we won’t be good enough or we’ll say the wrong thing. Well, this week, we’re going to learn that…
Sometimes not saying anything is the best thing you can do to show your love!
Not say anything? What does that even mean? We need to sit down and listen to them. I mean, REALLY authentically, actively listen. But how do we do that?
Especially in these times, there is a difference when someone REALLY listens. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of someone who is REALLY listening knows the difference. So here are my three simple and hugely effective listening tips for you this week.
HERE ARE MY TOP 3 TIPS FOR LISTENING TO A GRIEVING FRIEND:
1) ZIP YOUR LIPS
I mean, literally. When we are grieving, we need to tell our story over and over and over again. One of Thich Nhat Hanh’s most beautiful messages is that it is our job to be there for others to allow them to empty their hearts onto us. It’s as if we are holding a bowl for them and they are emptying their heart’s content into it. Now that is love and that is exactly what will help heal a grieving heart. But how do we create this safe space for our loved one so they can feel protected enough to empty their heart’s contents into our bowl?
We do not say a single word. Zip your lips.
Try not to say, “Uh huh” or “I know.” Not only do these tiny little statements imply that you could understand how they feel, they also make your grieving loved one feel like they should hurry up or feel pressured to wrap up their sharing. This will cut that heart clearing process short and leave them feeling less cared for and healed. Zipping our lips not only helps the talker, it actually helps the listener too. How you ask?
It takes the pressure off! We no longer have to feel that pressure of providing the perfect and absolute profoundly supportive response we all hope to provide when someone comes to us for help. By zipping our lips we no longer have that pressure. It’s done and off the table! Besides, your listening support will be far more impactful and healing than any speaking wisdom you would be able to provide.
Just hold that space for them.
That is all and it is everything. Holding space may take a little practice but watch what happens when you begin to hold that space not just for those grieving but for everyone who wants to share with you. You will find that they will begin to feel deeply heard and understood. Practice with a friend so you can understand how great this feels too!
2) TALK WITH YOUR EYES
Since we can’t speak with our mouths in this session, we are going to need to express our feelings with our eyes. It is amazing how much you can feel through someone’s eyes. They are called the “windows to our soul” for a reason. Let’s put them to work and talk with them instead. While listening, provide a loving glance, a concerned gaze or an empathetic tear. You will find that words are not necessary to convey your feelings of support, understanding and love. It is so powerful. Just try it and see. Practice with someone first so you can be on the receiving end of this amazing healing technique before you go in for your session with your friend. Then, you will truly understand the beautiful gift you are providing.
3) REPEAT THEIR WORDS IN YOUR HEAD
In order to remain engaged in their story and to remain 100% present for them, repeat their words in your head. This may actually help you if you are feeling muted from zipping your lips. 🙂 By repeating their words in your head, instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, you will be able to remain engaged and present with their feelings and emotions. It may also help you feel their pain and begin to understand their circumstances better.
When you have completed steps 1,2 & 3, give yourself a pat on the back! It takes a great deal of effort to listen actively and attentively but there is truly no greater gift you can give someone… whether they are grieving or not. So the next time you don’t know what to give to someone who has lost someone close, stop by and give them the gift of your active listening heart.
I cannot wait to hear your comments down below on your results from your practices and your real-time listening gifts. How did it feel? Were you surprised how heard your loved one felt without you saying a word? Did you forward this onto your support circle so they could give you the gift of active listening too?
Love and Blessings,
Erin